If you want to make enemies...
change something.

"So what happened at the Vestry meeting that I missed?"

"Oh let me think... what happened... oh yes, they're getting rid of all the hoovers! AND the bench is not to be varnished until summer!"

No mention then of the new Stewardship Campaign or the horrific video we watched of the Bradford Fire Disaster and our own new Fire strategy.

I got a bracelet this week which contains magnets. Magnet therapy is all the rage and it should cure me of many ailments. I have a bad back at the moment but I think it would take giant magnets, and presumably worn near my back and not on my wrist, to remove the ache.

The best bit about wearing a magnetic bracelet is that I keep finding myself attached to strange objects. I'm very attracted to the filing cabinet for example. What fun!

The sometime church goer was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.

Looking up to heaven he said, "Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to church every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up whisky!"

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.
The fellow looked up again and said,
"Never mind, I found one."

For the first time in many years St Mark's is going to have a choir once more for the Easter Vigil and on Easter Day. How we are going to fit 12 people into the Sanctuary, I don't know. But it was sounding good at the rehearsal last night.

We servers also had a wee run through the Maundy Thursday and Easter Vigil liturgies. It is a major work of choreography and we have to remember to fit a Bishop in for the Vigil and multiple confirmations. Thank goodness I had the team there to remind me of important things I'd forgotten. That's what its all about in the days ahead - team work.

Last night we met to discuss The Island by Victoria Hislop (wife of Ian, although I dare say she'd rather be thought of as a woman in her own right - and quite rightly so). It's always hard to lead a reading group when you haven't finished the book or read it so long ago you've forgotten it. Last night it was the former. I just hadn't managed to stay awake for more than a page a night and days off are a distant memory. So what did the others think of the book?

One person loved it and it made her cry. One person enjoyed it. One person thought it was okay. Another liked it too but didn't finish it either - but had skipped to the end to find out how it all finished. (I should have thought of that.) We all decided there were bits we would have expanded on - some things were surprisingly brief and bereft of emotion. But it was her first novel so maybe things will improve with a subsequent one.

If you are interested in learning about leprosy and the island of Spinalonga where lepers were sent not that long ago, then go read it.

Saturday's Lent Talk was about the children from Chernobyl who come to Portobello once a year. It was very moving.

Then we had to drape the church adornments in purple silk - always one of my favourite jobs!

Saturday night saw Son #2 and I drive into the depths of Gorgie for my nephew's 21st party. They were all terribly young. 21-ish in fact. My sister had made the most glorious Death by Chocolate cakes which went down a treat. Nephew thanked everyone for coming, thanked his family and then mentioned that it was just about a year since his gran died and played Don't Stop me Now by Queen in her memory. Not a dry eye from the family corner.

Sunday early service was rather depleted in numbers so I suspect some hadn't remember to put their clocks forward. But the 10.30am service was full to bursting. Only one soul wandered in at the Peace with a comedy look on her face, surprised to see the service half way through.

Then it was an afternoon in A&E with one of my little flock. Things move slowly in A&E and you have to live with the dilemma of whether to go and get a snack/water/ciggy and risk missing the doctor's visit or just to starve/dehydrate/gasp instead.

Back home at 3pm in time to prepare for that evening's Confirmation Class on 'What we Believe'. Tricky subject, that one. But we wrestled with it all into the night. Came to the conclusion that we love being Piskies.

It should be noted that the decline in blogging is in direct corrolation to the increase in preparation for Holy Week and Easter services.

Service will resume as normal after He's risen.

I have toothache. No actually, I don't have toothache for the tooth is gone. I have, the attractively named, Dry Socket. The bone in my jaw hurts right up to my ear. It is making me grumpy and tired.

So be warned.

http://www.cartoonchurch.com/blog/2007/03/21/the-episcopal-bishops-say-no/

Check out Dave Walker's site for a very funny cartoon.

I wonder if we will support our daughter church...

Four candidates have been short-listed for the post of Bishop of Aberdeen & Orkney (one of seven Dioceses of the Scottish Episcopal Church) which became vacant last July following the retirement of the Rt Rev Bruce Cameron, who served the Diocese as Bishop for 14 years.

This short-list is the second attempt at electing a new Bishop, as the synod responsible for electing a Bishop was unable to reach a majority consensus when presented with a short-list of candidates last December. This synod (known as the Electoral Synod) comprises representatives of clergy and lay church members from the Diocese of Aberdeen & Orkney. Its role is to meet with each of the candidates (this meeting will take place on 21 April) and then to elect a new Bishop on 28 April. The candidates are:

· The Very Rev Canon Dr Robert Gillies, Rector of St Andrew’s Church, St Andrews; Canon of St Ninian’s Cathedral, Perth and Dean of the Diocese of St Andrews, Dunkeld & Dunblane

· The Rev Canon Timothy Morris, Rector of Good Shepherd Church, Edinburgh; Priest in Charge of St Salvador’s Church, Edinburgh and Honorary Canon of St Mary’s Cathedral, Edinburgh

· The Rev Canon Dr Emsley Nimmo, Rector of St Margaret’s, Aberdeen and Canon of St Andrew’s Cathedral, Aberdeen

· The Rev Canon Dr Philip Noble , Rector of St Ninian’s, Prestwick and Canon of St Mary’s Cathedral, Glasgow

Commenting on the short-list, the Primus of the Scottish Episcopal Church, The Most Rev Dr Idris Jones says “Each of the candidates brings a distinctive style and depth of experience in ministry within the Scottish Episcopal Church.”

A Letter to the Episcopal Church in New Hampshire from your Bishop
March 21, 2007

I write to you on the last day of the week-long meeting of the House of Bishops, in Navasota, Texas. While an official “word to the church” will come from the House as a whole, at the conclusion of our meeting, news of actions taken yesterday at our business session will be appearing today. I want you to have my own reactions to go along with what you will read.

This has been an extraordinary meeting of the Bishops, characterized by respect, thoughtfulness and careful discernment, always done in the context of fervent prayer. There is a calm and peace about our meeting I have not experienced before, due in no small part to the non-anxious, but strong, leadership of our new Presiding Bishop.

As you no doubt know, the Primates of the Anglican Communion, at their recent meeting in Tanzania, issued a number of ultimatums to The Episcopal Church, with the demand that they be responded to by September 30. The Primates have made these demands of the Bishops of The Episcopal Church out of what seems to me to be either an ignorance of our polity (the structural ways by which we govern ourselves) or an unwillingness to accept that polity, which says that the governance of our Church is not undertaken by Bishops alone, but rather by a joint governance by bishops, clergy AND laity.

Part of those demands had to do with asking for an unequivocal moratorium on the consecration of partnered gay or lesbian people as bishops, and a moratorium on the blessing of same sex unions. Dire, although not articulated, consequences are threatened if such action is not taken. A process is being set in motion by our Presiding Bishop for us to talk with all the people of our church over the next several months in preparation for responding to these specific demands.

However, one action taken by the Primates has consumed much (but by no means all) of our time. This action was not asked of us, but rather was already set in motion to be imposed upon us by the Archbishop of Canterbury and Primates. That action, described as a “Pastoral/Primatial Scheme,” would create a Primatial Vicar, who would oversee those dioceses who feel they cannot function under the authority of our Presiding Bishop, either because they believe her to be “unorthodox” in her views (consenting to my election in 2003, and allowing same sex unions in her former diocese), or in the case of three of those dioceses, because she is a woman, and therefore unfit matter for ordination in the first place.

Our Presiding Bishop would, according to the plan, be “helped” in the appointment of this “Primatial Vicar” and the supervision of his/her work by a “Pastoral Council,” made up of people appointed by the Archbishop of Canterbury and the Primates, plus two appointed by our Presiding Bishop. This would be a Council in which our own Presiding Bishop and those appointed by her would not even constitute a majority. This process was already under way before we arrived at our meeting in Texas, with the Archbishop of Canterbury closing the nomination process for this Council prior to our arrival.

I think it is fair to say that the vast majority of our bishops – progressive and conservative alike – see this as an unfair, illegal and wholly unprecedented assault on the polity and internal integrity of The Episcopal Church. Never before has any constituent member of the Anglican Communion been subjected to the authority of such an external body. Fears were expressed by most bishops that this would move us closer to a centralized authority in the Communion, and constituted an unwarranted and un-Anglican arrogation of authority to the Primates, unprecedented in the 500 years of our Anglican tradition and practice. It seemed to most of us that it was important to put a stop to this assault on our polity now, before it went any further.

Three resolutions were passed yesterday (you may find the full texts of these resolutions at http://www.episcopalchurch.org/3577_84148_ENG_HTM.htm, with considerable, and sometimes overwhelming, majorities:

The first resolution called upon the Executive Council of The Episcopal Church (the elected body of laity-clergy-bishops who act for our General Convention, between General Conventions) to decline to participate in such a Pastoral Scheme, and to seek OTHER ways of meeting the pastoral needs of those dioceses who are not happy with the actions of The Episcopal Church. (The Presiding Bishop and Executive Council have numerous options for doing so, without the interference of groups of Bishops/Archbishops external to our Church, and our Presiding Bishop has signaled that she is ready and willing to do so.)

Second, the Bishops in a unanimous vote expressed their common desire to find a way to live together in the Episcopal Church during these contentious times, and called upon the Archbishop of Canterbury to meet with our House of Bishops face to face – a request he has steadfastly refused as recently as the Primates Meeting in Tanzania, claiming his calendar is too full to meet with us this year. We have asked him to reconsider, believing that this is not too much to ask of the Archbishop of Canterbury, given the seriousness of the issues which face the Communion, and given his having NEVER met with us since assuming his office.

Third, we offered a message to the Church for study and education, outlining our attempts to meet, in good faith, the requests made of us by the larger Communion, and the consistent rebuffs we have received in response. We re-articulate our profound desire to remain a part of the Communion – a desire that is shared by us all. We go on to enumerate the reasons we cannot and will not participate in the proposed Pastoral Scheme. And finally, we state as clearly as we can, the nature of who we are as a Church and our belief that the Gospel of Jesus Christ calls us to a union in which ALL the children of God – including women and gay and lesbian people – are called to full participation in the life and ministry of our Church.

While we cannot know what the reaction will be to these statements throughout the Communion, we must be who we are – the Church struggling to live out faithfully the ministry God has given us in this place and time. Like many great reformers before us, “Here we must stand. We can do no other.”

I believe these actions are true to our polity and to our identity as a Church. No matter how the media might portray this as a “slap in the face” to the Communion/Primates, it was not! We calmly and thoughtfully have said “no” to this encroachment on our polity and authority as a Church. We have also pledged ourselves to meeting the pastoral needs of the minority within our Church who are upset by the directions we have taken and by the leadership we have elected. We will also take seriously the demands made of us by the Primates – in consultation with the lay and clerical leadership of this Church, as demanded by our polity. That is not a slap in the face, but rather a responsible and respectful response to the inappropriate demands made of us.

I think you would have been proud of us as your Bishops. The manner and tenor of our decision-making was kind, respectful and prayerful. This was not about politics, but about this part of the Body of Christ attempting to exercise its leadership in appropriate and lawful ways. It was about respecting ALL the orders of ministry in our Church. It was about protecting our Church from inappropriate encroachment on internal matters. It was in the best tradition of the Anglican Communion.

Thank you for your prayers during this time. I have felt your support and love throughout. I have appreciated your attention to these Church issues, WITHOUT losing sight of our real mission as a Church – to proclaim the Good News of Christ in our words and in our actions to a world which so desperately needs to hear it. We will continue as a Diocese to commit ourselves to the Millennium Development Goals as a way of expressing our desire to do our part to meet the needs of a hurting world. We will NOT let these issues distract us from God’s mission – to preach Good News to the poor, to bind up the brokenhearted, to release those in captivity, to bring sight to the blind, and to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor. May God bless us richly in that ministry.

Your bishop and brother,

+Gene

Son #1 had phoned me earlier in the week and in the course of our conversation enquired as to the date of Mothering Sunday. When I informed him that it was the 18th he told me it was Cup Final Day so... tough! At least he's honest.

Son #2, on the other hand, didn't suss out that it was Mothering Sunday until the eve of said day. His visit to the local Tesco Metro did not produce a card or a pressie worthy of the best mum in the world. (Heh! Well if I don't say it, nobody else clearly will!)

No sign of breakfast in bed when I got up at 6.30am to prepare for the Holy Mysteries, Part I. When I got home from church we decided we couldn't do the lunch thing because of my gaping hole where the tooth once was and because of the forementioned Cup Final on TV. But we did nip up to Kinnaird Park and he bought me an iPod Nano. Is that not the best Mothering Sunday present ever? What a poppet.

(Just in case you are thinking that I am show3ing favouritism between sons #1 & 2, let me explain that son #1 gave me a great pressie last week by being in the top 5% of his class at Uni. That means a LOT.)

Now, the iPod Nano comes in the cutest little boxes which took me 30 minutes to open. The Nano lay therein with a teeny, nano-sized booklet of instructions. Well, I say instructions, but in fact they were the briefest, nanoest instructions. Like off and on and play. Nothing whatsoever about getting my collection of CDs on to it. Son #2 informed that they assume one has knowledge about such things. Just shows how wrong they can be.

I plugged the Nano in to charge up which seemed to take hours and Son #2 had to help me with that. Now I can't get the plug out of it which rather takes away from its smallness. Never too old to learn, though. I hope.

Mixed emotions on Thursday as a group of hearty Episcopalians gathered in the Synod Office to say goodbye to Barbara, our beloved Child Protection Officer. I did a little waitressing to help out with distributing the fabulous Waitrose canapés which B had provided. Speeches were made, gifts were promised and then some of staggered off to Brown's for more fizz and food. Bumped into more Piskie clergy so it would seem that Brown's is the place to be seen in Lent.

B has had a difficult job dealing with a tricky caseload. Not everyone has been nice to her either. But she certainly brought glamour to a seedy side of the Church. And nobody can say she didn't give 100% to the job - sometimes taking phonecalls late into the night with never a murmur.

On Friday morning - it was at that point that I regretted having quite so much fizz - I had to get to the dentist at 9.25am to have a tooth removed. It was meant to be a 10 minute appointment which turned out to be closer to an hour. It would appear that I really didn't want to part with that molar. No pain but a lot of pressure and then an infection to deal with.

I was given antibiotics with the strict instructions that I do not drink alcohol. "Not even communion wine?" I asked. "Just the tiniest sip," I was told. So my servers will have to be on stand-by for the clearing up tomorrow.

I was also told to go home and rest, with no strenuous activity. It was my day off anyway but I did have plans for a rearrangement of my study. That will have to wait. But I did have a helpful chat with Fr K who had stayed the night. The greatest thing about clergy getting together is the sharing of ideas.

I hear that Nigel Griffiths has resigned over the Trident row. That takes guts, I reckon. I've always thought highly of him since he took part in the annual Rock Trust Sleep Out when he was an MP in Edinburgh. He came along with Mary Mulligan and (separate) sleeping bags and kipped out on the pavement all night long. And if I remember correctly, it was a wild, windy and wet night.

Good old Nigel.

A Baptist minister, a Catholic priest and an Episcopal priest arrived in heaven and stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
“I’ll let you in,” said Peter, “only if you can give me the correct answer to this question: who do you say Jesus Christ of Nazareth is?”
The three ministers scratched their heads.
First, the Baptist spoke up.
“Well,” he said, “the Bible says…”
St. Peter immediately interrupted.
“I’m sorry, but perhaps you didn’t understand the question, I asked who do YOU say that Jesus is? You can’t come into heaven.”
The Catholic priest then spoke up.
“Well,” he said, “the Pope says…”
Again, St. Peter interrupted,
“I’m sorry, but I asked you who do YOU say that Jesus is? You can’t come into heaven either.”
It was now up to the Episcopalian, who immediately chimed in and said,
“Jesus of Nazareth is the only Son of God, the Holy One who came to redeem the world from sin and He is my Lord and Saviour.”
A smile drew across St. Peter’s face.
Then just as he began to usher the priest into heaven she turned around and added,
“But on the other hand…”

Thanks to Fr Dazzle and his friend, the Baptist minister, who sent it to him.

Found these on Real Live Preacher's Blog. I love them!

Found on actual headstones!!!

Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903 - Died 1942
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the car was on the way down.
It was.

In a Thurmont, Maryland, cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist
All dressed up
And no place to go.

In a Ruidoso, New Mexico, cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast.
Pardon me for not rising.

In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania, cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.

In a Silver City, Nevada, cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.

A lawyer's epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
And that is Strange.

John Penny's epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any, Dig 6 feet deep; and thou wilt find a Penny.

In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June,
Jonathan Fiddle went out of tune.

Anna Hopewell's grave in Enosburg Falls, Vermont Here lies the body of our Anna - Done to death by a banana.
It wasn't the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.

On a grave from the 1880's in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there's only the pod.
Pease shelled out and went to God

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We have been having some difficulty getting the old St Mark's website up and running again. So in the meantime, you can keep up to date with news of events etc at http://stmarksportobello.blogspot.com

If you miss church and the ever more popular pew sheet for news of coming events you can check in to the new Blog for all that information and more. What would you like to see on it?

I'd check it daily, if I were you.

Today : sitting with someone who is grieving. She has been so strong so far - too strong maybe. It has been six weeks and now the realisation has hit home that she is on her own. No family except distant relations far away. Eating is an effort. Facing people is an even bigger one. "Yes, I'm fine" she says but inside she is not and doesn't want to 'make a fool of herself'. She can't cry and desperately wants to. Each day is an effort and each night is long and lonely. 64 years of marriage leaves its mark and being alone is no fun. She wants to die, peacefully in her sleep.

Grief is hard. It affects everyone differently, and the process varies. But at the end of the day, grief is a raw wound which hurts like hell. It affects every little thing we do, and every thought we have. And as a priest, I would do anything to take some of that pain on myself to give her relief, even if just for a night.

I use Windows Messenger a lot. In fact, I would go so far as to say it is a very useful thing. It has just been updated and I stupidly clicked on the said button. What I had forgotten, of course, that a new version will mean that you get those wretched flashing advertisements again.

I know you can get rid of them but can't remember how. Anyone help?

Archbishop Barry Morgan (who didn't make it to Tanzania) has spoken about the issues. It makes sense to me. You can read it at http://www.cork.anglican.org/news/030307.pdf

A new arrival in heaven was surprised to see a suggestion box in the High Street. The heavenly newbie turned to a more seasoned resident and asked,
“If everything is perfect and everybody is happy in heaven, why is there a suggestion box?”

“Because some people aren’t really happy unless they complain.”

Well, since my peepers are back in working order, I have just read A Short History of Tractors in Ukranian. I can't tell you how many people have recommended this book to me. But guess what? I didn't really think it was that good or particularly funny. I was glad to hear that someone else I know didn't get it either.

Just back from the World Day of Prayer a la Portobello. We got the tent right, and the nanduti was gorgeouso. We sang Gracias Senor and stumbled through an unknown hymn. All in all, the women of Paraguay were well and truly prayed for.

But... and it is a big BUT... I was shocked to discover that none of the collection goes to the poor people of Paraguay. The organisers do indeed publish last years accounts on the last page of the worship booklet and I was shocked to discover that most of the money goes to Feed the Minds and the Scottish Bible Society, along with a large proportion for the books and stuff. A fraction goes to an Aids project in South Africa. When I spoke to people, including those who have organised it for years, they did not know that the money didn't go to the people we were praying for.

I am going to write a letter. I feel like Incensed of Portobello. It's not right, is it?

Finally found an NHS dentist in Edinburgh which is no mean feat. Took a month to get an appointment, mind you. But what a lovely, trendy young thing he was.

Bad news is that I have to get a tooth out. It has been filled many, many times and really I don't think there is much tooth left now, but it has been giving me gip these last few weeks and it is beyond repair. Well, unless I want to throw copious quantities of cash their way, which I don't.

The good news is that I am finally getting my first wisdom tooth. Sadly, it is at right angles to the rest of my teeth. But I've to brush it well, the gorgeous dentist said. Easier said than done.

Does this mean I am finally getting wisdom at the grand old age of 50? At long last!

Yesterday I spent most of the day ensconced in a small room atop the General Synod Office at the I&C Board meeting. (That's Information and Communication, for those not in the know).

I was on the edge of my seat for most of it. I found it interesting, nay fascinating. I was inspired to debate and contribute to the items on the agenda. When others spoke I listened with intent and was delighted to find myself desperate to respond. I found myself passionate about much of which was discussed. I respected the Chair and trusted that all he said was fair. And I never doodled once.

Why am I telling you this? Because it is rare that I am energised and inspired so much in Church admin. Of course, I shouldn't be surprised - my background BC (before church) was in I&C. But it has taken me 7 years to get to this stage and I had to put myself forward for this position (as representative from another Board). I wonder how many other people there are out there in the church who have interests which are never encouraged.

I believe wholeheartedly in good communication and I believe that the Church should not have to make do with amateur efforts. I believe in good corporate identity. I believe we need to invest more in communication and that the amateurs should listen to the professionals more. I believe that our bishops are an important communication tool but I don't think they know that. I believe that good communication means listening first and we are not very good at that at all. I believe that we need more prophets shouting from the rooftops, communicating with the world.

There! I've said it. I am glad I am part of a Board which contains colourful characters (unlike the Admin Board - sorry guys!) Listen to us, Church! We know what we're talking about.

San Francisco Chronicle
(02-27) 18:36 PST SAN MATEO -- "It wasn't exactly a Bigfoot sighting, but motorists reported seeing someone wearing a gorilla suit in the center divide of Interstate 280 on the Peninsula at the start of this evening's rush hour, the California Highway Patrol said.

The first call came in at 4:39 p.m., reporting the costumed primate near the Highway 92 interchange, Officer Marc Johnston said..."

I wonder which Primate it was!