So who appeared on Weakest Link last night? Why! It was Fr Gordon and he made it to Round 6. I loved his reasoning for being an Anglican (sic) priest - cos the clothes are more glamourous. And thank goodness he got the religious question correct. That would always be my fear if I were to take part in a quiz - what if you got the religious question wrong?

What have I been watching with my one good-ish eye, I hear you cry. Well, as the television is my only source of amusement these days I have been catching up on some movies which I recorded and haven't had time to watch. So far I have seen:

The Hours.
Not quite what I expected and I didnt 'get it' till near the end and felt like such a twit that I hadn't got it sooner. Depressing.

Mrs Henderson Presents.
Amusing and short. Lovely singing by Will Young and great performances by Judi Dench and whatsisname. Nice story.

Ray.
Shan't complain about my lack of sight after this. A bit too long but great music and wonderful performances.

And I am slowly catching up on umpteen episodes of Ballykissangel which was repeated a few months ago. We need more series like this.

Today might be a Father Ted day. After I have made a long-overdue visit to Papa.

Back at the hospital today and all is not well. I won't bore you with the details but not all of the cataract is out and I won't be able to read for 4-6 weeks. Oh, and the other cataract is not bad enough to take out yet so I have to wait and then go through the whole long process again. I am not a happy bunny.

Nothing else for it but to eat chocolate.

The good news, if not slightly bizarre, is that I can drive. So I drove and got chocolate. Lots of it.

Back to watching TV with my shades on.

Isme is the name of Isaiah's horse.

Every time Isaiah arrived anywhere, the first thing he would say is "Woa Isme!"

The secretary was changing a funeral bulletin. In a hurry she decided to use the “Universal Search and Replace” function and have the computer change all the references to the previous deceased, named Mary, to the current person whose death was being memorialized – someone named Edna.
And so it was that, in the Apostle’s Creed you found the words, “born of the Virgin Edna. . .”

“From Ralph Milton's RUMORS, a free Internet ‘e-zine’ for Christians with a sense of humor."
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Send an e-mail to: rumors-subscribe@joinhands.com

"I'm terribly sorry, Mrs I, but we have a ward closed just now for renovation so I'm afraid you are in the man's ward."

Not a problem, I thought. It's only an eye operation after all. It's not like I shall have to take all my clothes off or anything.

"Now, I'm afraid with all this upheaval we seem to have lost our theatre gowns so I'm afraid you shall have to wear this nightie."

That would be the very short (mid-thigh) pink flowery nightie with no back and no ties to tie said lack of back.

It was rather draughty. But if I sat very still on the chair beside my bed and put my scarf on my lap to cover the rather large expanse of white thighs then I thought I might get away with it.

After all, it was only going to be for a few minutes as I was first on the list and due to go to theatre at any minute. Of course, I was a little miffed to find that when the curtains were pulled back the two other men in the ward were covered from head to toe in rather fetching pyjamas. "Oh, I want some of those please!" "No, you can't - they're for men." ????

But the few minutes stretched into hours as the theatre list was rearranged. And sooner or later I had to visit the toilet. This involved a quick sprint (not something I am naturally inclined to do) whilst clutching the back of the nightie together with one hand, past all the day patients sitting in the corridor, past the waiting room of other patients, and into the loo. Washing my hands meant leaving go of the short nightie altogether whereupon it slid gracefully off my shoulders exposing even more white flesh.

Back to the vinyl seat beside my bed, which was very comfy on bare skin, and clutching my scarf to my body. It's not that I'm particularly prudish, you understand. It's really to protect the innocent and the squeamish.

Finally, the nurse came to take me to the theatre. "Do you mind walking to the lift?"
"No, not if you get me something to cover myself with."
"Oh."
She seemed surprised.
"Did you not bring a dressing gown?"
"Did you tell me to bring one in?"
(I found out later that those who had the op by local anaesthetic were told to bring dressing gown and slippers in. Much more sensible than a scarf and clumpy shoes.)

So I was given a sheet and tried to glide past the other people as if it was making me look terribly sophisticated. I think I failed.

Never write anything down that you wouldn't want to be read out in court.

This will be a brief blog because the computer screen is really blindingly white and hurting my wee eye. However the op was a great success and I can now see the world in glorious technicolour, brighter than I have ever seen. When did my house get to be so purple?

The problem now is that I cannot read because my glasses were varifocal and are no use now. And of course I kindly gave away all my reading glasses. So in the meantime I have to make do with my sunglasses in a darkened room and day time television.

And you shall have to wait for the whole gory story of me in a skimpy nighty in a man's ward.

It has been a rather hectic few weeks trying to get everything organised for me going off tomorrow to get the old eyes seen to. As a result I have not caught up with all the Anglican news lately so was delighted to open an old Church Times this afternoon and read that the Rt Revd Alan Harper is to be the new Archbishop of Armagh and Primate of all Ireland.

He ordained me, don't you know? Well, to tell the truth... I was ordained by two bishops - Bishop Alan and Bishop Mike. Do you think they thought that one wouldn't 'take' or be quite sufficient? Our diocese of St Andrews, Dunkeld and Dunblane was linked at the time with the Diocese of Meath and Kildare. Bishop Alan just happened to be over on a jaunt and was dragged in to lay hands on me just as a wee extra. But it made me feel very special indeed.

So there you have it. Really, the Church is very small indeed. You never know who has laid hands on who.

At what point in the life, and size, of a congregation does there come a point where you cannot actually speak to every single person who comes through your doors each week?

And when do you stop feeling guilty that you haven't spoken to everyone each week? Even if it just to say Good morning and How are you?

We at St M's kicked off the Week of Prayer for Christian Unity yesterday. We have a trad eucharist on Thursdays so that's what we did yesterday. I invited everyone to receive and everyone did, which was jolly nice and cosy.

But is it really Christian Unity when we still can't sit at the table of our sisters and brothers in the RC Church?

Which reminded me of a comment a sister made about the ordination of women in the RC church:
'We can cut the sandwiches but we can't break the bread.'

And that made me think of a quote long long ago, before the ordination of women, when a deacon stood up at a meeting and proclaimed:
'I can't absolve. I can't perform marriages. I can't consecrate the elements at the Eucharist. I can't bless. I can't even anoint the sick because I haven't got a penis!'
A male priest was heard to mutter:
'I use a thumb myself.'

Last night I visited the Old Parish's Guild evening to talk about myself to a group of ladies-who-listen. They kindly invited me some time ago to go along and blether on any topic I liked, but specified they would like to hear about how I got to be a priest. Where to begin?

Well, we had a lovely evening with some appropriate devotions at the beginning. I talked for about 45 minutes about my journey to priesthood and beyond and nobody fell asleep. (Afternoon talks are the worst for nodding heads and soft snores.)

It occurred to me after that this group now know far more about me than my own little flock. But then, they never invited me to blether.

Today we remember + Charles Gore, founder of the Community of the Resurrection. His achievement was to unite Anglo Catholicism with a critical approach to the Scriptures and to give it a wider social conscience.

I was once invited (by the Principal Christopher Irvine, no less) to spend Holy Week at Mirfield in Yorkshire where the CR have a community and training college for ordinands. It was a week of sweet and sour. I met some incredible people, some of whom are still friends, and also some not so nice people for whom my gender was a big issue. The worship was the most moving I have encountered and made me envious of colleges who work and pray together. But there was always that sour side which exists wherever men (in this case it was all men then) live together and hold different views. But that could not take away from a Holy Week which moved me to tears at times with the beauty of its Anglo-catholic worship.

Times change and now women ordinands have been admitted to Mirfield. I hope that they find some love and charity there.

The Community of the Resurrection have produced some great leaders, preachers, missionaries and theologians. May they continue to do so.

My reading skills are getting worse by the day and the print is having to get bigger and bigger. (Just a week to go until the right eye is sorted out!) However, I have managed to read a hardback because the print is a bit better than paperbacks and have just finished The Darkening Sky by Alison Joseph. It is the latest in the Sister Agnes stories, a pretty radical nun who has the habit (ha ha) of solving murders and mysteries.

I don't think this was her best adventure and I got a bit confused by the characters but that could be because I was reading it a few pages at a time just before bed. But if you enjoy a murder mystery with a religious flavour, then you might enjoy this series for a little light holiday reading.

On Sunday 14 January Tom Muirhead died peacefully. Tom was one of the great leading lights in the life of St Mark's, so much so that the new room downstairs in church was called the Muirhead Room after him. He was responsible for the Property for many years, especially when the hall was sold and Tom oversaw the refurbishment of the church.

Tom has been ill for the last couple of years and I have enjoyed hearing his stories and memories of St Mark's when I took him Home Communion. And what an hounour to be with his wife Helen as we sat at his bedside as we handed him into the safe arms of his God.

A truly great man and a great loss to his wife and St Mark's. Rest eternal, grant unto him, O Lord. And let light perpetual shine upon him.

Yesterday we held a Vestry Day in the most glorious surroundings of No 3 Royal Terrace (we have contacts). Amidst crisp white linen tablecloths and the very best china we got to know one another, we discussed what kind of church we would like, who is welcome, how to keep regulars happy and how to attract new ones, how to improve our communication, and finally how to improve our giving and at the same time give to those less fortunate. The day was really not long enough.

Everyone got their say and I was enlightened in more ways than I care to mention here. Now I have to type up the flip-chart notes into some kind of order and put the work into action. It's going to be a full diary this year, I can tell you.

By the way, if you are looking for a lovely lunch or a pre-theatre dinner then look no further than No 3.

Attended a Cursillo meeting this week at St Michael and All Saints. It is always lovely to go 'home' and breathe in that special smell that decades of incense has on a building. What was even more joyous this time was the Crib scene. It was absolutely glorious - even better than I remember. It completely took over the St Michael Altar with two trees flanking it, all white lights and flowers. The shepherds had gone back to the hills (up on top of the cupboards nearby) and the wise men were adoring where they ought. It fair took my breathe away and I could have sat there all night.

And there was even a little leaflet available to explain the crib and its origins, as well as some devotions one could use. Guess who will be imitating that next year?

Well done Fr K. I hear you are the control freak who won't allow anyone else to tamper with it and do all the work yourself! Well you did an excellent job and certainly brought me closer to Christ.

And today's lesson is that if you have cataracts you cannot read text on mid-blue paper. Not a word. Not even a word of the Lord.

Here endeth the lesson.

I have a hole in the roof of my rather large garage. I may have blogged about it before, but to keep you up to date I shall repeat that it was caused by a dodgy gardener who came in the summer and offered to cut back my leylandii hedge and stood on the garage roof to do so. Presumably he put his foot through the garage roof and didn't let on. Those were sunny and hot days back then and it was some time before the rain came and flooded through onto my precious things.

Eccelesiastical Insurance were contacted and told us just to get one quote. Yellow Pages were examined and a Roofing Contractor was contacted. He came out and after much sucking in of air between teeth (something tradesmen must learn at college) declared that the whole roof needed repairing because it was made from chipboard and about to all come down. He put in his estimate, we sent it off and sat back and waiting - except for the daily emptying of the bucket which catches all the rain in Edinburgh which seems to be channelled into my little hole.

EI were not happy at this vast cost and demanded a second opinion. So it was back to Yellow Pages. Since then I have phoned about 5 Roofing Contractors, waiting in on the days they said they'd call and got angry when they didn't. I have phoned back but to no avail. It is all very frustrating. Does nobody want any work? Is this job too small for them? I used to be self-employed and I would NEVER have not turned up. I even phoned if I was going to be late.

Last week I heard one of the Vestry say that she had just had her roof repaired so I leapt upon her demanding their phone number. She gave me 2 numbers and said they were just small companies but to give it a go. Small company for a small job? Perfect, I thought. You can guess what's coming, can't you? Phoned the first one, left a message and nothing. Phoned the second one the next day, and agreed to wait in on Tuesday. Nothing, nada, niet.

Oh well, back to Yellow Pages.

There's a quote I like from Mother Theresa:

If you have
two loaves of bread,
give one to the poor,
sell the other -
and buy hyacinths
to feed your soul.

All very well, but what happens when your Christmass hyacinths still look like three grotty onions? My soul is very disappointed.

Glorious Epiphany yesterday - yes, I know it should have been last week but in my defence, I was not the only one. Andrew was on the organ so the music was divine.

Then after the service we had to clear the whole church of chairs, pews, the lot ready for Fidge and her labyrinth. For those of you who don't know, the Labyrinth is based on that in Chartres Cathedral but in this case painted on canvas rather than in gorgeous tiles. A Labyrinth is not a maze - it has no wrong turns or dead ends. It is one path with twists and turns (like life) but we all end up at the same goal - the middle.

I hadn't done it before although I have read a lot about it and spoken to people who love it. What I didn't know was how long it would take to walk it. I took my time and had a few prayerful pauses but it took me an hour to do. I was exhausted at the end and my back was killing me. Hard to focus when you hurt. However, I tried to focus on bad things in my life on the way in and good things on the way out.

But you know, it didn't really work for me. Maybe it was because I was tired and sore. Maybe it was just a case of not really being able to concentrate on it fully. Maybe it was because I am not great at silent prayer. I think if I had had a leaflet with things to focus on at each turn I would have done better. Might try it again one day when I feel fit and more prayerful.

Did my duty and went to the Panto in Glasgow with my little flock on Saturday. I should just say that I HATE Pantos with a passion so this really was a duty for me. But this is a big tradition in St M's and they love their big day out each year - stopping at St C's in Bathgate (my old haunt) on the way for lunch, and then the Hilcroft Hotel on the way back for High Tea. Sadly, those could have been my highlights but as I'm still on this wretched Elimination Diet I couldn't really enjoy the goodies on offer.

But it was lovely to be back at St C's and see some friends. Fr P was there too and the church looked lovely with the crib scene moved to under the altar where it looked much better. It's very weird to go back to your old church. You feel at home but at the same time like a stranger.

Donald Grey Barnhouse made famous an analogy of the atonement, explaining that just as when a person looking through a green glass sees only green, and when looking through a red glass sees only red; similarly, when God looks at a sinful person through Jesus, he sees only his child.

Watched the first episode of the new series of ER last night, followed by Holby City. Frankly there was no comparison. However, we make do with what we have.

Easy to see that all is quiet at this time of year clergywise. Although I should be preparing for our Vestry Day next week. We are off to luxuriate in fabulous surroundings and get to know one another better, scoff food, and plan for the future. I've got ideas about the planning bit but would appreciate any ideas for getting to know one another?! Keep it clean.

Thanks to Fr G for this:

We Three Queens!

Do you know what would have happened if there had been Three Wise Women instead of Three Wise Men?
They would have asked directions,
Arrived on time,
Helped deliver the baby,
Cleaned the stable,
Made a casserole,
Brought practical gifts and
There would be Peace On Earth.

BUT READ ON . . . . .

Cute, but do you know what would have happened if there had been Three Gay Wise Men ?

They would have done a fabulous parade towards the big "B" in full auburn/gold sequined gowns to match the low "Star of Bethlehem" lighting.

Arrived early.

Helped deliver the baby AND dressed it up in a gorgeous butter-cream-coloured 100% cotton throw.

Cleaned the stable AND redecorated it in a "western" theme to match the animals.

Would not have made a casserole but a flawless entree of chilean sea bass dusted in cocoa powder with guatemalan mangoes in a light chutney mix,
mashed potatoes with a light cream fennel sauce and anjou pears with yogurt cream cheese and Grand Marnier swirls, topped off with a caff/half caff
cappuccino con panna.

The practical gifts would have included items from the new Martha Stewart Living collection.

Peace?
How can you have peace when the entire night just screams for a drag number?

So happy that Celebrity Big Bro is back. Yes, I have to confess to being a BB geek. I have never missed one and I love it. I love watching people and their behaviour. Mind you, I think 'celebrity' was a bit of a misnomer. I had hardly heard of any of them, but no doubt that will change over the next couple of weeks.

What did you buy your Priest/Vicar/Minister for Christmass?

(Or rather, the only Christmas book I can read)

Son #2 gave me an incredible coffee table book (it is indeed large enough to BE a coffee table.) It is called Life by Lennart Nilsson and contains the most incredible photographs of body parts. Now, before you get all excited and think this is going to be rude, let me explain...

Nilsson was the first person to publish a photograph of a living human embryo. Using the most powerful scanning electron microscope, Nilsson shows organs, tissues and the origins of human life. The blurb says, 'Perhaps nobody since Leonardo da Vinci ... has revealed the human body and its intricate workings with such insight, curiosity and beauty.'

The colours are incredible and each photograph is a work of art.

I've been tagged by Chris http://blethers.blogspot.com/ to tell you 5 Things You Didn't Know About Me. Unlike Provost Kelvin http://www.thurible.net/ who had way too much time on his hands and managed 100, here is my contribution.

1. Up until the age of about 14 I wanted to be a boy and did not like wearing dresses. (Still don't but that's probably more to do with my shape!) I hated dolls and loved my garage and cars. I could relate to George in the Famous Five and was sure that Enid Blyton must have met me.

2. I have a smaller bladder than most people after suffering from Interstitial Cystitis and undergoing several operations when I was in my 30s. Therefore I know the location of most public toilets in Edinburgh, Perth and Linlithgow. And I laugh when people tell me I should be drinking at least 2 litres of water every day.

3. I used to laugh at sad films, at funerals and at any solemn occasion. Uncontrollably. Since I had my boys this changed a little, but as I get older it has increasingly worsened. (Or got better, depending on your point of view.) Happiness in other people is one of my worst/best triggers.

4. I have always been fascinated with all things medical and wanted to be a nurse when I left school. The Careers teacher said I was far too lazy for that. So I applied to do Drama at Queen Margaret College and passed the audition but was told to wait a year because I was only 17. I never went back and for a long time that was one of my big regrets. Ministry changed that. No regrets now, but I do still have a fascination with all things medical and ministry feeds my love of performing. I am a BIG attention-seeker!

5. I was reluctant to go forward for the priesthood and was quite convinced that I would never be accepted. There is nothing about my past that I did not tell the selectors in the hope that I would not be chosen. It didn't work. Now, I'm glad.

One day I shall work on my 100 list.

And now I tag:
Father Kirstin http://angelk.blog.co.uk/
Father Gareth http://blog.garethjmsaunders.co.uk/
Ian http://muggle.blog.co.uk/
Father David http://limpingtowardsthesunrise.blogspot.com/
and Bishop David http://www.blog.co.uk/admin/b2edit.php?blog=16370

And Blessings for you and yours this year.

Sorry I haven't been blogging for a few days but this new year seems to have brought chaos to my computer which is running so slow, if at all. Yesterday I had no connection at all and was bereft all day. It's funny how we come to depend on our emails and internet. And FeedDemon seems to be suffering from a hangover too and won't give me updates on all those other blog-friends. I miss them too.

Anyway, we had a lovely Hogmanay and some of my little flock joined me here at Fawlty Towers for a nibble or two. It was a dark and stormy night and we heard that the Hogmanagy celebrations at Princes Street had been cancelled. There must have been a lot of unhappy people who go to such lengths to get tickets for it. But judging by the amount of trees that came down, I guess it was the right decision.

I wept at the very last episode of the Vicar of Dibley last night. Who was that actor that played Harry and what has he been in? Cute though.

Now it's back to work and my first resolution is to get my income tax done before the last deadline at the end of the month...