Mum now rests in peace. She died at 8pm tonight with her family around her.

No more blogging for a while.

I saw the doctor this morning and mum is now entering the final stages. She has been sedated and finally looks peaceful. The anger and depression has gone from her face.

Last night we took in photos of Jack the dog. He has gone to a good home in West Lothian and his new owner send a pile of photos which we put up on the wall mum has been facing for the past week.

For the past 48 hours I have received no emails in Outlook. I keep getting an error saying that the time out has occurred and if it continues I should contact the ISP Provider. So I did just that this morning. A message told me to disconnect the cable and reboot as this solves most problems. It didn't solve mine. Then I phoned and a wee lassie said she could only give help if I used Outlook Express. Why on earth should that be? Surely more people use Outlook?

Then she said that they were having problems with email nationwide and that it was intermittent and I should keep trying. I have done this all day and no joy.

The thing is that my emails are coming through to Blueyonder's webmail but if I reply to messages in that horrible way it will not give the email address that I use. So, somehow my emails are not coming from there to Outlook. Does anyone out there know why?

As I was wandering aimlessly around my neighbouring HUGE 24-hour Asda today I found myself in the aisle for gardening. It really is like another world to me. Spades and other implements, hoses and packets of seeds, ornamental troughs and Our Lady. Our Lady? Oh yes. In amongst the gnomes and rear-ends of faux stone dogs there was Our Lady. I can see why you would want a lovely St Francis in your garden for birds to perch on and butterflies to flit around. But Our Lady and baby Jesus?

She wasn't very heavy and I think a stiff east coast wind could have her over in a jiffy. But then again at only £9 you could always buy another. Maybe I'll go back and get one and keep it indoors. Much nicer.

Or maybe I will make a little shrine out back. A mini Lourdes or Carfin Grotto. Oh yes, I can see it now... I hope they've still got some.

Glorious weather this morning in Portie as I left the house at 7.45am to meander down to church. Balmy and a hint of sun peeping through. "What a nice day for our baptismal party," I thought to myself. (Rather smugly is has to be said as I had remembered to put my clock forward.)

Got to church only to find my poor server running around like a demented soul up to her ankles in water pouring through the cupola (?sp). Not only that, but someone had heaved something through the back window of her car. Oh, and someone had forgotten to change the central heating clock in church and it was nice quite so balmy as it was outside.

As the water continued to drip down on us all it did occur to me that we could all come out and stand in the vestibule and renew our baptismal vows. But our Property convenor arrived (with baby in tow) and set to with a mop and bucket and phoned the roof contractor and soon we were ready and raring to go.

Jolly good baptism with lots of visitors. Got to use my favourite baptism joke because nobody here has heard it yet. The baby didn't utter a peep when I heaved him under my oxters (Lord knows what mum is feeding him!) and seemed quite bewildered by the whole process.

Popped in to see mum this afternoon but she really wasn't in the mood for Mothering Sunday, or anything else for that matter.

The latest news on mum is that she is suffering from depression. No surprises there! She is desperate to die but her body is still not ready to give in. Her state of mind is such that she sleeps all day and even when we visit she keeps her eyes closed and faces the wall. The doc has given her anti-depressants but they take 10-14 days to take effect. A touch of irony there then.

She has asked to be taken off all her medication which included 3 different pills for her heart and now she has come off her warfarin. This could mean that she gets a clot. Her kidneys are failing but again this could take some time before it becomes fatal. Her wound is infected but she is not getting antibiotics. It seems incredible that she is still with us.

It is hard to pray "Thy will be done."

Today I arrived in plenty time for a board meeting at the General Synod Office, only to be told that it had been cancelled and someone should have told me. Thought to myself that it wouldn't be a wasted journey if I picked up some copies of the childrens' liturgy which I've noticed St Mark's don't have. They had none.

I found myself out on the pavement thinking to myself that I had been given an unexpected gift. A whole day when I thought I'd be in a meeting and now it was free. My car was safely ensconced in the all day car park and I could do whatever I liked. But could I think of anything I needed to do? Could I think of anything I needed to buy at that end of town? Could I he**.

So I bought some flowers and went to visit mum and was just in time to follow the ambulance taking her in to the hospice. And I was able to do all the information sharing which has to be done when you are admitted and which I know mum hates doing.

Then I did some shopping (boring groceries) and had a wee browse round Borders and then home in the snow. And now I might sit down and read a wee book. An unexpected gift indeed.

My apologies if my blog is becoming rather self-indulgent. I began putting news of mum's health on it to save me phoning round friends and those who were praying for her. And from that point of view, it has saved me a lot of phone calls and I do appreciate your comments and prayers.

But it would seem that we are not at the end yet. Yesterday mum sat up and demanded porridge. She did collapse later and the nurses had to be called to help get her back to bed. The doc has changed some of her pills because her blood pressure was so low (80 something over 40 something) and told her to stay in bed. Her wound appears to be infected too, but tests have been taken. So it seems that she is with us for a wee while longer. Thank God. And thank you for your prayers.

Not a good weekend and the doctor has been asking questions about where she would like to be when she dies, ie at my sister's or in the hospice. It would appear that it may be imminent. Mum has decided that she would like to stay at my sister's and she is okay with that. This is not what we had all planned a month or so ago but things change and that's fine.

Mum is very, very tired and sleeps most of the time. An upsetting day for us all.

Day off today so I visited both parents this morning. Mum was tired and quiet. Dad was bewildered and didn't realise I hadn't been in for a while. Thank goodness he has dementia and doesn't remember yesterdays.

Then Son #2 and I went to Ocean Terminal. A word of warning... don't go along Seafield Road because there are roadworks and it took us an hour. Can't say I was all that impressed with it. Nice views but pretty much the same shops as in every other shopping centre. Why are our High Streets and Shopping Centres so identical?

However, I did manage to find a gorgeous pair of black and lilac Vans, a new purple mascara, and I've saved the best till last... a DVD of... The Song of Bernadette. Oh huge joy. There's nothing like a good old nun weepie with the BVM and a festering leg thrown in for good measure.

Almighty God,
who in your providence chose your servant Patrick
to be an apostle of the Irish people:
keep alive in us the fire of the faith he kindled
and strengthen us in our pilgrimage
towards the light of everlasting life;
through the Trinity in unity,
one God, now and for ever. Amen

Just before I left St Columba's (and St Peter's) I was asked what I would like as a leaving present. St C's wanted to buy me a gift that would be useful for my new rectory. I was given an idea of the cash available so I chose a coffee table. I did have a little gorgeous purple coffee table from Ikea ('Lack' if you are interested) but it wasn't really big enough.

I saw a lovely table in the Cotswold Co catalogue and decided that as it contained lots of drawers (to hide all the bits and bobs that end up cluttering the corners) and a hinged chest area for bigger things, it would be ideal. And it was on Sale.

It has been a long time coming, but today it arrived. Here is a pic of what it looks like in place. Please also note the candle is by Jo Malone (and a gift) and the daffodils were arranged by my own fair hand. Pretty impressive, eh? Yes, I know I'll never be asked to do the Easter display.

I should also add that St P's gave me a very generous gift too and I bought a drill and put the rest towards a new sofa (seen in pic too).

Well mum got home from the hospice the day before yesterday and apart from being tired and having pretty high blood sugar seemed not too bad. Last night she went down hill rather quickly and her blood sugar was too high for the meter (over 32) so panic stations ensued. Her insulin was doubled and my sister had to pour fluids down her like there was no tomorrow.

Today has been a day of doctors and nurses and insulin and fluid. She is very weak but that may be the diabetes. Doc said that she can go back to the hospice if my sis wants. We're going to wait and see for a day or so.

It all changes from day to day.

For the last couple of years I have given up reading fiction in Lent. I try to use any spare time I have doing some suitable reading - usually of a theological nature.

Last night I was reading a little book called 'Do Not Go Gentle - poems for funerals' edited by Neil Astley. (ISBN 1 85224 635 9) There are 6 sections: Stop all the Clocks - poems of grief; Lives enriched - poems of celebration; I Am Not There - body and spirit; The Dying of the Light - pain and resolution; The Other Side - comfort and haunting; Nothing Dies - release and letting go.

There are all the old favourites in there and some new ones - to me anyway. But the one which caught my eye last night was called The Minister by Anne Stevenson. It was in the section of post-Christian poetry for those trying to make sense of death. Sadly I know exactly the type of 'minister' of whom she writes. And a warning to us all.

We're going to need the minister
to help this heavy body into the ground.

Imagine them circling and circling
the confusing cemetary.
Imagine them roving the earth
without anywhere to rest.

Today I went on a bus. This was quite an occasion as it must be over 4 years since I was last on one. And surprisingly it cost about the same so well done Edinburgh City Council.

Today I went up town. Up town or down town? Well, it felt as if we were going up a hill so I will settle for up town. It was cold and windy not being in my little car, and I forgot that one should wear gloves when one is wandering about in the open air. I toddled along George Street and bought some nice smelly candles. Then I went to the Cornerstone Bookshop and got Lifelong Learning by Frances Ward which should help me with my CMD 1-3 gang. I also spotted a copy of a new mass setting (The New Raemoir Mass) and got it to see if it could be used at St M's. How clever of them to put a CD in with it so you can listen to it without having to read music. It is nice and celtic-y but I could have done with hearing it on an organ and not a twinkly keyboard. And I also got the palm crosses.

Today I walked a lot. Met Son #2 in town and he persuaded me to get a bus to Portobello and walk the rest of the way. Well I won't be doing that again in a hurry. It was all too much for my first day sans auto. I may now go and lie down in a darkened room for a while until my breathing gets back to normal.

Does anyone out there in blog-land remember which supplier does the sort of fairtrade palm crosses? I'm sure last year we got them from some ethical trader but I can't remember who it was.

I have finally finished Untold Stories by Alan Bennett. I started it at Christmas and it has taken me till now. Mind you, I was only managing a few pages each night before I fell asleep and it has been a rather hectic few months and it was very thick (and very heavy too).

I enjoyed the first part where he talks about living with his mother's depression, and I enjoyed the last bit where he talks about his own cancer experience. But I must confess that I didn't really enjoy the middle bits. True, there were a few nice wee anecdotes which made me smile but nothing that matches his Talking Heads monologues. He seems like a nice bloke though and the sort of person you wouldn't mind being stuck next to at a dinner party.

Diocesan Synod today. It is good to meet in a place which allows you to see who is there. Most places you sit in rows and can only see the backs of peoples' heads, but this place is sort of horseshoe shaped so you can see everyone's face. Also interesting to see who shows up in the morning, signs in for attendance, and then slips out 15 minutes later, never to be seen again!

If you're interested we discussed becoming a Fair Trade diocese; where our Quota goes and why we pay so much; the new baptismal rite (which could be revised a million more times by the sound of it so don't print a lot of copies yet); stewardship and how to stop the Province taking it away from us in Quota; revision of a few Canons and an attempt at getting the 1929 Prayer Book back in vogue (the motion was defeated) and that was about it really.

The afternoon's comments were more brief but that may have had something to do with the Rugby International.

Mum is still in the Hospice and is now on steroids which have helped her appetite but then she throws it up back in their face! But at least she enjoys it going down - the food in the Hospice is excellent.

Some of her drugs are being given intravenously now to stop her losing their effect. The doc says there is a possibility that the cancer is back blocking her bowel.

Today she has had 2 bouts of angina - as if she hasn't got enough to contend with. She has got to the stage where she is tired and fed up. At those times she says she wishes she hadn't made it through the op.

It's all about quality of life.

There is a window in St Mark's which depicts two grown men hugging. The text below reads: 'The soul of Jonathan was knit with the soul of David.' They are standing quite close but I'm not sure about the knitting. I think it's quite camp and wonder about the story behind its dedication.

What I can't find is anything about St Mark in any window. Not even a wee icon tucked away anywhere. We will need to remedy this. I fear another trip to the Icon Shop in Walsingham is required.

There is a huge padlock on the church doors. Not on the outside doors, but on the inner doors. It has a combination lock on it and apparantly it is there to stop people getting in to church. (Yes, I know. Don't say it!)

There are men working on the roof at the moment and they have the use of the first few rooms in the church but the congregation were worried that people might stray into the church while it is open and steal the brass or something. (Actually, it is lovely brass and very well polished.) So the padlock was put on.

For the past few days it has not opened when the correct combination is entered. There could be several reasons for this. It could be a duff lock. Or someone could have changed the combination by mistake. Either way, something will have to be done before the weekend.

Suggestions this morning included: "cut it with big wire cutters." But surely if it was that simple there would be no point in having the big lock in the first place. I think I will have to take a big screwdriver and take the handles off. Or maybe with our Lenten penances we will all have lost enough weight by Sunday to squeeze through the gap.

http://www.stumbleupon.com/demo.php?tag=humor

You have to click on each one to get them to sing. And then you can bring in the others one at a time, and fade them out too. Such fun. They'd liven up a church service.

Went to the Craft Group in church last night and what a crafty bunch they are. It was like a little Cottage industry of knitting and cardmaking. Then all the things are sold at the Christmas fair. Probably not bringing in a fraction of the cost to make. However, it is not just about money and the camaraderie was fun and friendly.

My job was to affirm from the corner. I think affirmation is a gift, much underrated and underused. So I oohed and aaahed at the talents of those around me and remembered a time when I did a little needlework myself. In fact my cross-stitch of the Blessed Virgin Mary was probably my highlight and will hang proudly on the spare bedroom wall when I can get the door open.

I also took along the congregational roll and called out names and got the folk to tell me all about them. According to the statistics there are about 125 attached and 95 communicants in St Mark's. Now, I have a dilemma. In fact, there are nowhere near that number. All spouses who arrive to pick up their loved ones have made it on to this list, even though they never darken the door of the church throughout the year. There are people on the list who left some time ago and now happily attend another church. So the dilemma is this... if I take all these extra names off the list this means that the statistics will show a dramatic drop in numbers in my first year. That is not going to look very good, is it? Or do I leave them on in the hope that this coming liturgical year I can tempt them in to receive communion just once and thus keep them on the list?

Oh, what a dilemma.

'Twas on a Monday morning that the toilet blocked again. I will spare you the details, dear reader, but this has become a common occurence since we moved in to the rectory. I have pleaded for a new bathroom suite but so far my pleas have fallen on deaf ears. They told me to get a plumber out to check that the drains were not blocked. So yesterday I phoned Scottish Gas (yes, I know they seem to be an unlikely company to deal with this sort of thing but we have a super duper contract covering all sorts of repairs) and they promised someone would be out yesterday.

The morning came and went but no plumber. In the afternoon Dynorod phoned to ask if it was the only toilet on the premises. It is. They said that someone would be out late afternoon or evening. They didn't. I was more than a little cheesed off. OK, I did get some paperwork done but it also meant I couldn't get to the hospice to visit mum.

This morning I took time to write a stonker of a letter to Scottish Gas about their shoddy service, bearing in mind that I sat in one afternoon 2 weeks ago waiting for the gas man to come and service the central heating and nobody turned up, nor have I had the phone back promised then.

Then lo and behold two nice men in very orange suits arrived this afternoon at 4pm to look at the toilet. Luckily the blockage had sort of resolved itself by then and we were not reduced to using a bucket. The drains were checked and we were informed that they are fine - it is just a very old toilet and needs replacing. Apparantly it is a Syphonic toilet and they were all the rage but are lousy at dealing with... em... waste. "You need a new toilet," he declared.

And I couldn't agree more.

First Sunday in Lent and my first at St Mark's. It all went very well, I think, this morning. My altar servers coped remarkably well with my little idiosyncracies and the congregation coped with having things in a different order. I think it will take some time, though, to get things right in the sanctuary. I am really not used to having all this space to frolic about in and I fear there is more furniture to be moved. But we are all thinking of it as our Lenten penance to have our routine disturbed.

I haven't found any photos yet of the interior of the church, but here is a nice one of the exterior for those of you who missed it on Tuesday night at my licensing.

I was having a look for a blessing to use on Sunday as St Mark's have purchased some nice new altar linen. There is a good website with all sorts of blessings which I have adapted in the past but I noticed that it says:

'This rite is for the blessing of altar frontals or falls, fair linens, or other hangings that will adorn the altar. It is also used to bless corporals, palls, communion veils, and other linens or cloths used in the consecration and distribution of the Sacrament...
Purificators are traditionally not blessed.'

Why? Why should purificators be missed out? I mean, they are the linens probably most close to the sacrament.

Has anybody out there heard of this before? Or can you shed any light on why it might be the case?

Yet another TTDTUAT!

Mum was taken in to the Marie Curie hospice this morning. She is not looking so good and is very tired, and they are going to try and get her medication sorted out so that she doesn't have this sickness and diarrhoea any more. It is all a bit trial and error to find the right things that she can cope with so it's best to do it in there where they can keep an eye on her.

She is in a room on her own which she prefers, and is looking tired but okay. The doctor doesn't seem to think this is the end yet. So we keep praying.

Conversation after Ash Wednesday service...

Me: Now wrap up warm before you go out there in the cold.
Flock member: Oh don't worry, I have a scarf.
Me: I don't suppose we will get much snow here, being so close to the sea.
FM: No, we rarely get snow.

Ha! Less then 48 hours later we have just had about an inch in the last hour and it's still coming. Of course it is my day off today and I had planned on taking a wee jaunt up town. It seems I am doomed never to get to Molton Brown.

My second day on the job and so far I have presided at three masses - 2 for Ash Wednesday (not well attended) and one this morning which was very well attended. I am having to get used to using the Grey Book again (1970 Liturgy) and trying to remember the words when I turn from an eastward facing altar. I hope noboby spotted me birling in a complete circle at one point yesterday morning!

I am planning on re-ordering the church sanctuary after last night's service. The sedilia was moved back into a corner which I discovered was too dark and miles away from the people for the Liturgy of the Word. Its all very well creating a sense of mystery but when you can't see the people and they can't see you then it's not much good. I ended up wandering about in front of the altar and it really was quite messy.

Great crowd this morning though and we had a laugh over coffee after the service. Remembering names is my next task. Oh how I wish everyone wore name badges for the first six months!

Well, everyone else seems to be doing it so I thought I'd have a go. Here is my 'word cloud' created from the most popular words on my blog (with a few tweaks):

You can do it too at http://www.snapshirts.com/

Glorious licensing last night at St Mark's surrounded by lots of friends and flocks. The only sad thing on those occasions is that you don't get to chat to everyone who has travelled far and wide to share the occasion.

Mum was too ill to attend but my uncle and aunt were sitting in the front row with my oldest schoolfriend. My son G was hussled upstairs to the balcony (being young and fit looking) before he could tell anyone who he was, so didn't see much of the proceedings. And despite the roof repairs and scaffolding, nothing fell down so for that we must be grateful.

One of my favourite communion hymns (Soul of my Saviour) was played to a very different tune which nobody knew so that made a few folk smile and I am afraid I didn't even manage to get the words fit the tune at all. Somebody said after that I looked like that politician who always appears on Dennis Norden programmes trying to sing the Red Flag or something. But I did 'fly' out to the Dambusters' March and that pleased some of my past flock.

All in all, it was a glorious occasion. The Bishop was amusing, the Dean was a hoot, and the clergy looked like an assortment of ... what is the word?

Now all I have to do is work.