Well, I got the two weddings done and didn't get any names mixed up which was a major concern. Told the rude wedding joke at the first one and it went down a treat. Didn't risk it at the second one but they did get my other wedding joke and the skipping rope sermon which seemed to work.

I went to buy a skipping rope yesterday at the local toy shop for the wedding. Of course, in my day we used an old bit of washing line or rope, but now they come with bells and all sorts. The one I settled on was sparkly and when you pressed a button in the handle a very strange American voice made various encouraging noises like "Up and down" and "One and two" and "Come on". Of course I set it off accidentally during my sermon and we had to wait until the wretched thing finished.

But back to the weddings. My big worry is always that the couple will forget to bring the Schedule of Marriage. Without it the wedding cannot take place and it has to be back at the Registrars within 3 days so usually it has to go with the mother of the bride or some other sensible person who won't get blootered at the reception and lose it. Mind you, I have seen some dodgy mothers of the bride in my short career! Usually I get the couple to bring it to the rehearsal so that they dont have to worry on the big day. But the one I did today had not got it in time for the rehearsal so I was a little apprehensive.

I needn't have worried - they produced it this morning in plenty time. But as I took it I had a most horrible thought... I didn't sign the Schedule at the wedding yesterday. No recollection at all of signing it - in fact, I know I didn't. But I couldn't remember if the couple were going on honeymoon straight away or not. Aagghh!

Got home to a pile of messages on my phone, mobile and email. No, I hadnt signed it. Thankfully they are not away on honeymoon yet so I'll have to go over there tonight to see to it. What a twit.

Blimey, I'll need this retreat that I'm going on tomorrow. I'm exhausted. And if one more person calls me the Vicar of Dibley... I'll scream!

The length of a minute depends on which side of the bathroom door you are waiting.

I've got 2 weddings this weekend. One on Saturday and one on Sunday. (I havent actually got a funeral but it made the title sound funnier - but I did do one last week) Anyway, back to the weddings... my only fear is that I get the names mixed up. I wonder if I could get them to wear post-it notes on their foreheads. They could be removed for the photographs, of course. My other concern is whether to tell my rude wedding joke or not. What a dilemma.

A couple of weeks ago a woman reversed into my car when I was parking in Tesco's car park. She reversed out of her space without looking behind her and caught my front nearside bumper and left a nice dent as well. She then jumped out of her car and apologised saying , "Sorry, it was my fault! I didnt look." All very well. I was even impressed that she had her insurance details with her and gave them to me immediately.

Since then I have been to the insurance company's named garage and had an estimate, but now I hear she has decided to deny it was her fault. How can people do that? I can't believe it.

Woke up with a streaming cold and not feeling too hot and found a letter from my insurance company with a claim form and it seems that I have to claim and lose my no claims bonus. Yeh right! So I phoned the AA to complain and ask why I can't claim against her insurance. I got the most unhelpful man - by the name of Andre I think - who just didnt seem to care, or know what he was talking about. He said there was nothing I could do about it and if I want it fixed then I have to claim it on mine and then maybe get it back. Not good enough. And I have a high excess. Bah!

Phoned Norwich Union who are the actual insurers and the woman there was so helpful. She is going to look into it and phone me back. But it looks like I do have to claim and then hope that the insurance company can get it back after and restore my no claims bonus. But that's a big 'if'.
Oh I am so cross.

Just finished Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince. I didn't guess that ? was the Half Blood Prince! And I can't believe that ? died in the end! I'm still in shock. Surely he'll do an Aslan in the next book? I'm gutted.
PS The question marks are to protect the innocent - or those who havent finished it yet.

Who is the Holy Spirit? Answers on a postcard please. Our diocese are going to do a series of talks exploring the Christian faith for adults. One of my churches will be hosting them and I have been asked to do the lecture on 'Who is the Holy Spirit?' Good question...

A young man had just purchased a very expensive parrot and was deeply upset to find it dead the following day. He immediately phoned the vet in the hope that he could save it. The vet arrived and pronounced the parrot dead. “Oh! It can't be,” responded the young man, “I want a second opinion.”
“OK,” said the vet who went off and a few moments later brought in a Labrador dog, which sniffed the parrot then turning to the vet said "its dead.” “There you are young man, your parrot is dead.”
”No!” he said, “I want another opinion.”
The vet went off and brought in a cat which sniffed the parrot and touched it with his paw. He then turned to the vet and agreed with the dog that the parrot was dead.
The young man accepted the final opinion but was not happy. The following day the vet returned with a bill for £150. The young man was shocked
and questioned the bill
To which the vet replied, "Well for £150 you've had a lab report and a cat scan!!!!

I am frantically preparing for a silent retreat I am leading from 1-4 August. It is called Aspects of Prayer and I shall be looking at different ways to pray. I've known that I would be leading this retreat for some time now - for some months, in fact. But that hasnt helped me in being more organised so here I am at the last minute researching different types of prayer and preparing talks. However, there is an up side to all of this. My prayer life has improved dramatically over the past week. Why don't I make time to do this more often?

Big funeral this morning. I'm going to use the prayer from the Queen Mother's funeral which folk always comment upon...
You can shed tears because she has died,
or you can smile because she has lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that she will come back,
or you can open your eyes and see all that she has left.
Your heart can be empty because you cannot see her,
or it can be full of love that you have shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember only that she has gone,
or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn your back on life,
or you can do what she would want:
smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.

Remember Aztec bars? And Mint Cracknel? What happened to all those great sweets of our youth? Actually I remember Aztec bars fondly, but can't quite remember what they were. And Olde English spangles. And Lucky Potatoes with a wee plastic toy inside. Ah, sweet youth.

As we didnt have an organist at St C's today, a member of the congregation offered to bring his accordian. I have to confess that I was a little unsure, having heard him play sea shanties and drinking songs when we were on Iona last year. However, it was either that or nothing so I said yes.

What a joy it turned out to be! Who would have thought it? Heiko (who also happens to be German and probably hasnt heard most of our hymns and mass setting) romped through them bringing pathos to the slow ones and jollity to the fast ones. Everyone sang like linties and smiled too. It was just great. We've booked him again for the 6 August. I can't wait!

Last night at a meeting we were discussing transitions. All clergy know it is hard to go through a day when your emotions can swing from one extreme to another. We can go from a funeral visit to the birth of a new baby, from planning a childrens' outing to writing a sermon after a national crisis - all in one day. It can be hard to take account of your emotions and feelings before you move on to the next event.

Someone said that she had come from a school of noisy children to take a funeral, and that it was in putting on the vestments that she was able to make the transition from teacher to priest. The bishop said we were all like transvestites - we sometimes needed the clothes to make us who we are. I'd never thought we were transvestites. I'm sure there are transvestites amongst the clergy - maybe more than in other walks of life - but I'd never thought of it for myself. "Put on the mascara - more mascara!" shouted the bishop. I think he was quoting from La Cages Aux Folles.

I shall look at my fellow clergy and bishops in a new light from now on.

I found another personality test online at
http://www.personal.psu.edu/faculty/j/5/j5j/IPIP/
It took a while to do but the results were worth it. It would seem that I am a bit extrovert (no surprises there then!) and also scored high on gregariousness, friendliness, excitement-seeking and cheerfulness. Average for assertiveness and activity. That sounds about right.
I had a high level of agreeableness, trust, altruism, and sympathy. Average for cooperation but low on morality (!!) and modesty (!!!). You need to read the explanation to see that this is not as bad as it sounds!
My score on conscientness is average, along with self-efficacy, achievement striving and self discipline. But I was high on ordiliness. Not so hot on dutifulness and cautiousness. Oh dear!
It would appear I am very low on neuroticism, anxiety, anger, depression, self-consciousness and vulnerability. But as for immoderation...oh my goodness - strong cravings are my way of life.
And finally I am average when it comes to openness to experience, imagination (that was a surprise), artistic interests, and emotionality. Low on intellect (yes, I know! but that means I just prefer dealing with people) and high on adventurousness and liberalism.
All in all it seems pretty accurate to me.

I did another quiz and it seems that I am a Peter Pan

Your alter ego is Peter Pan. You are a child at heart. Anything you believe is possible, and you never want to grow up.

I can live with that. But Goofy was a close second.

Today I found another quiz to do at
http://quizfarm.com/test.php?q_id=43870

You scored as Emergent/Postmodern.

You are Emergent/Postmodern in your theology. You feel alienated from older forms of church, you don't think they connect to modern culture very well. No one knows the whole truth about God, and we have much to learn from each other, and so learning takes place in dialogue. Evangelism should take place in relationships rather than through crusades and altar-calls. People are interested in spirituality and want to ask questions, so the church should help them to do this.

Emergent/Postmodern 86%

Roman Catholic 75%

Modern Liberal 57%

Classical Liberal 50%

Neo orthodox 50%

Evangelical Holiness/Wesleyan 43%

Charismatic/Pentecostal 25%

Reformed Evangelical 14%

Fundamentalist 7%

I am just surprised I got 7% at all for fundamentalism. How did that happen?

Today in the Church Times, I read an article which warmed my heart. The Co-operative Bank have asked the pressure group Christian Voice to take away their account because their views on homosexuality were incompatible with the bank's ethical code. Christian Voice lobbied against Jerry Springer the Opera which I loved (and bought the soundtrack). Part of the bank's policy is to support diversity in religion, race, colour, nationality and sexuality. If only all banks had such strong ethical policies.